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About eight years ago, I was contemplating what in my life I was fearful of. Although I had started healing work on myself years prior with meditation, diet, and exercise, I had yet to dive into the depths of my emotional experience. Because I didn’t yet understand my fears of abandonment, death, and anxiety, I decided that one of my fears was roaches.
Around the same time, I had heard a staggering statistic by the World Wildlife Foundation that from 1970 to 2020, we had lost around 73% of the world’s wildlife population. This information brought about a new fear. A fear that without insects, nature could collapse. Worms, spiders, and other insects are often depicted as gross and scary, and these animals are avoided because of learned disgust. I wanted to break myself of this disgust and start appreciating this group of animals that gets pushed aside. To do this, I was going to find and pick up a roach.
I explored my neighborhood for about 15 minutes, and I saw the one. It was about 2 inches long and perfectly still. I bent down to grab it, and though it darted away, on the third try I finally picked it up. As I held it in my hand, any fear I had around this insect completely melted away. Fear itself is what I was scared of, not this two-inch brown beetle. My thoughts expanded to new ways of appreciating insects, and I joined entomology threads on Reddit.
The way the Reddit entomology community embraces insects with love, appreciation, and wonder is truly inspiring. Although picking up a roach was a small-scale intervention on personal fear, I see this as an act of social justice. I identified a fear and bias and took steps to help resolve the fear. This paradigm shift has now pushed me into embracing animals I never thought I would.
As I embraced this new world of insects, I started thinking of other animals that I would often avoid. Our brains are survival machines. We are socialized to have disgust around certain animals that could cause harm. For me, snakes and reptiles fell into this category. But now, I had a whole world open to me. My new affection for insects helped me challenge my fears and judgments around animals that are often avoided. When my friend shared with me that she had a reptile handler at her home for her son’s birthday, I thought that’s exactly what I need for my 40th!
Having a reptile handler at your birthday is probably one of the most memorable experiences you will ever have. Looking at my guests, I saw apprehension replaced with awe and wonder. The challenge of conquering fears helps form new, flexible thoughts and shows our nervous system that there is safety. After my birthday, I found a sanctuary and pet store called The Reptile Zoo and went to experience some of the animals they housed. One of these animals was a rosy boa.
At the back of the reptile zoo, you can experience five animals for just $10! The person working handed me the rosy boa, and I thought, I would love to take care of one of these snakes! Unlike domesticated pets, reptiles require careful husbandry—knowing enclosure temperature, humidity, and other needs. I went from being weirded out by snake people to becoming one.
After this experience, I excitedly told my husband that I wanted a snake. As a child, I was obsessed with the movie La Bamba, about the life of Ritchie Valens. There is a line in the movie where a character says, “Rosie had her baby, and we named her Brenda.” Since I was getting a rosy boa, obviously their name had to be Brenda. Although I have mixed emotions about the caged pet industry, I felt caring for Brenda in a loving way would give them a good life. I thought it might be fun for Brenda to have a middle name, and my husband and I decided that it would be The Destroyer.
When I tell people I have a snake, they are always curious. Not so much about the snake, but why I have one. When I share my story and my love of animals, they are intrigued. Knowing how my fear of insects melted away once I held a roach, I knew Brenda could also help melt other people’s fear of snakes. What I didn’t know about Brenda is that they would also be a constant source of fun and novelty.
You can only handle snakes for about 4 days a week because their nervous systems have to stay calm before they eat and after they eat for digestion. This means I have the excitement of a reunion with Brenda every week. As a reptile, Brenda really only has a fight or flight and rest response. As a budding trauma therapist who focuses a lot on the amygdala, it’s as if I get to raise an amygdala. The amygdala is the part of our brain that determines if something is safe or not and puts us in fight or flight in the face of perceived danger, and I love that I get to help shape Brenda’s nervous system for safety. By respecting their space and giving them a routine, their system can rely on, I help Brenda feel safe and in turn, they help me feel safe. People often mention that reptiles don’t bond with you the same way domesticated animals would. Although this is true, I have a deep respect for Brenda being a living being and feel we both draw from the same pool of consciousness and therefore experience something similar. Nature is like this. I can experience the same wind a tree experiences and love nature without it loving me back.
Brenda’s first time being a reptile Ambassador was about a month ago. I had my friend and his wife over with their 11-year-old daughter, Delilah. I brought Brenda out, curled up in my hand. Delilah was nervous but curious, and when she finally held him, she fell in love. I looked at my husband smiling ear to ear and told him, “Look, he’s being an ambassador!” I then shared with my friends that Brenda’s middle name was The Destroyer and that he was a giver of joy. My husband looked at me and said, “Yeah, because he destroys fear.”
I thought back to that roach as the impetus for having this wonderful living creature in my house. Resolving something silly like being scared of a roach led me down a path of personal healing, development, owning a reptile ambassador, and being able to share this experience. I believe that one thing leads to the other, and today I am a budding therapist wanting to help people resolve their fears. Facing fears and taking action can lead us down a path of surprise, love, and engagement. Brenda has taught me that I don’t need something to love me, to love them. I don’t need something to give me something, to give back. Thank you for all you have given me, Brenda the Destroyer, Giver of Joy.
Carly Petersmeyer
Carly Petersmeyer is a Clinical Psychology master’s student at Antioch University Los Angeles. She enjoys writing in a way that weaves together her studies, reflections, and the living stories she encounters each day.
